News From Hell #4


Are you tired of intelligence?
Do you suffer from fits of reason, spasms of mental agility and blazing epiphanies of insight?
If you’re one of the few remaining human beings afflicted from the curse of knowledge and self-awareness, don’t despair – there’s a way you can eliminate these troublesome maladies once and for all.
It’s called Religion.
Religion is the fast-acting, fool-friendly, long-lasting, centuries-proven method of obliterating virtually all independent thought.
Why discern truth on your own?
Why decipher the mysteries of life by obeying your own inner belief system when you can have religion apply a ruthless, inflexible order upon your entire existence?
With religion, you can achieve mindlessness. Enjoy conformity. And suppress your innermost desires in favor of surrendering to half-truths, outright fallacies, and archaic ideologies.
Imagine gazing at Byzantine-era icons whose sad, leaden eyes bore straight through to your soul and make you feel a profound unworthiness. Picture yourself holding your arms high into the air in blind supplication to a higher power that may or may not exist. With religion, your guilt-ridden pathway to being equal parts pious and obsequious, it’s all possible.
And best of all, no matter what ethnicity you are, religion fits the fabric of your life perfectly.
That’s because religion is customizable. Scalable. And available in a variety of convenient, ready to apply denominations.
Whether it’s Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Zoroastrianism, Hinduism, Gnostism, Sufism, Taoism, Rastafari, Sufi, Sunni, Kanye, the Dallas Cowboys, or any number of other innumerable faiths and belief structures, religion offers everything you need to quell any and all cognitive process.
To get started, simply fall on your knees, renounce your cerebrum, and dig out a few greenbacks.
Because while the church and state are separated, your wallet and the church are not.

NOTE: I write these newly formed headlines into news stories, or whatever other format strikes me –this one seemed perfect for an infomercial.

News From Hell is a series of satiric verbal collages made from words excised from New York Times headlines. These new headlines depict a world where all sorts of hilarious and unsettling things happen. Whether witty, absurd, or philosophical, each of these reconstructed headlines reinterprets the events of our times. Each entry is a thought worth pondering in itself – but when read collectively, News From Hell functions as wry poetic commentary and a socio-political critique on the state of our civilization, and the horrors and humors within it.